How To Be A Dick: Show Edition

One of my favorite leisure activities is attending rock shows. I, along with thousands of like-minded individuals, will attend almost any show if the chance presents itself to me. As such, I have been to hundreds of shows in my lifetime. This expertise has allowed me to compile a comprehensive list of ways in which you can elevate yourself from an average show goer to a total dick. Enjoy.

1. This is the first and easiest step to complete as it can be accomplished before the show begins. In fact, you don’t even need a ticket to pull it off. Since most concerts are held in metropolitan areas, there is a good chance that the one you attending will be in an area that is both residential and full of businesses. Before you go to your show, you can score major points by treating the surrounding neighborhood as though it is a dump/toilet/frat house/whatever. Once you park your car, be certain to yell as loudly as possible. Drink some beers and leave the empties anywhere you please, after all, you don’t have to clean it up so why should you care? If you’re white and middle class, be certain to complain loudly about poor people and minorities while you make your way to the venue. If you encounter a homeless person, get major bonus points for taunting them with the fact that you are unwilling to give to them. Claim that you are poor too, completely ignoring the fact that you’ve already spent at least $50 just to get into the door of the event. (This step can also be completed or even repeated after you’ve left the event.)

2. As you wait in line to enter the venue, continue editorializing about the state of the location. Loudly bemoan the fact that you had to walk on a dirty sidewalk, near homeless people, to get there. Complain about the trash and debris littering the area, as though you had nothing at all to do with it. As you get closer to the doors, and the inevitable security check, make loud jokes about rent-a-cops and pretend that you are concealing weapons/bombs/roofies. Threaten to sue the security guard for frisking you as you snidely look down your nose at him or her for daring to fulfill their duties. If you’re attempting to smuggle in some sort of illicit substance and get caught, yell at them for violating your rights until they are forced to call the police and have you arrested. Not only will you succeed in being a huge dick, but you will also provide endless amusement for those in line behind you, as well as a welcome distraction for local police.

3. Once you get into the venue, try to gain entry to the designated 21 + areas without showing ID. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually of age, just refuse to show your license. Shout “But I’m twenty-twoooooooooooooooooooooo” at the security guard with the hand stamp as a means of showing your maturity. When this doesn’t work, groan loudly and make huge show out of retrieving your wallet. Extract your ID from said wallet with the most exaggerated motions possible before shoving it so close to the checker’s face that they couldn’t possible see it. Then get angry when you’re asked to move it. Once you’ve proven your legal right to be a drunk dick, proceed slowly into the desired bar area while complaining about the hassle of having to prove your age. There will probably be quite a line for drinks at this point, so just shove those assholes out of your way until you’re belly up to the bar. Once there, wave your arms frantically until the bartender notices you. Once they come over, ask them the prices of every possible drink combo on the planet. Ignore the clearly printed price list in front of you. Finally, once they have repeated every price, order the first thing you asked about.

4. Once the bands begin to play, the real fun begins. This step is not for beginners, as it requires a real commitment. Once the music starts, regardless of how heavy or mellow, how fast or slow, start flailing around like you’re an epileptic on speed. Alternate between swinging your arms wildly from side to side and rapidly fist pumping to the beat. Try to start a mosh pit wherever you are by pulling and pushing others into you. If someone gets hurt, you’re doing it right. Respond to any and all protests by declaring that those complaining are total pussies. Alternately, if you’re in the back of the venue, you can attempt to push those in front of you closer to the stage as though you are trying to compress them. Basically, at this point, the rest of the crowd is your enemy and you must defeat them at any cost in order to reach the foot of the stage. Bonus points for crowd surfing. Remember, nothing expresses love for the band like forcing their other fans to choose between holding your hulking frame aloft and taking a size 13 Doc Martin to the face!

5. Believe it or not, the post show time frame is just as important as all of the others. Here, you can really shine. Once each band finishes playing, you should loudly begin complaining about how the band(s) didn’t perform as well as they have the 10,000 other times you’ve seen them. Start declaring that this venue was far too large and you’ve seen them in tiny corner bars, small local clubs, your best friend’s bar mitzvah, whatever. The point is that the band sucked tonight and you, the super fan, have seen them perform much, much better. As you’re doing this, loiter until you’re just about the last person there. When the security staff inevitably asks you to leave, yell at them some more about their fascist techniques and lack of understanding about how you pay their salary. Continue doing this as they toss you out on your ass. Don’t forget to repeat step 1 for extra points.

Record Jacket: 25 Favorite Album Covers (20-16)

20. Deftones – Deftones

Traditionally roses have symbolized beauty and love, while, skulls, have signified death and mortality. The cover seems to hint at the beauty of death, or even the idea that the beauty in life lies in the love and acceptance of the fact that it will one day end. The Image is more comforting then disturbing. It calls to mind the appreciation for the dead that we might encounter with the vibrant colors seen in Day of the Dead Imagery. Provoking in us the naturalist, and far from fatalist ideal that, death, is part of the life cycle, and should not be feared.

19. Songs About Fucking – Big Black

The last hurrah of Big Black, and only one of the many incarnations of musical genius Steve Albini, makes Songs about Fucking a classic noise-punk album, with a classic cover. When it was released the album's title was commonly blanked out. The cover featured the head of animated character sweating during sex, followed by a brutish white hair middle age man, finishing with some good old doggy style on the back cover. These images encapsulate the relentlessness of a great, no holds barred band. As CD Times Eamonn McCusker once wrote, "as brutal as that cover is, the music is even more so". I Couldn’t have said it better myself.

18. The Power to Believe – King Crimson

Now I know that most people would probably pick In the Court of The Crimson King, but I'm not most people. As iconic as album cover get, I don't think it captures the same power, as the images from, The Power to Believe. The painting on the cover was painted by P.J Cook, an artistic masterpiece called Fin de siècle, which means "End of the Century". The album was released during the early stages of our current "War on Terror" and with it dark ambiance, c the coupled with sporadic addition of more uplifting moments in tracks like "Eyes Wide Open", it allows the album cover to capture the spirit of the album and the intentions of Cook's painting. Before the image was used on the album, Cook wrote this about her painting," The infant here is not only making reference to the infant Christ but also symbolic of the new century and the world which is under constant threat. Not only the threat of war and famine but also degradation by pollution and overindulgence,... and the disregard for our natural resources, wildlife and our fellow Man. "

17. By All Means Necessary – Boogie Down Productions

A powerful album brought to you by the self-proclaimed "teacher", KRS-One. During a time in black culture when crack, Aids and violence where plaguing the inner cities across America, KRS-One does everything he can to inform African Americans across the nation of the entirety of their struggle, in an attempt to prevent his culture from destroying its self. The Album cover attempt to recall the, now famous, photo of Malcolm X, and the punctuating word of a pivotal speech, which was given by Malcolm X before he was brutally murdered,

" We declare our right on this earth to be a man, to be a human being, to be respected as a human being, to be given the rights of a human being in this society, on this earth, in this day, which we intend to bring into existence by any means necessary."

Many of you may remember that Nelson Mandela recited this at the end of Spike Lee's Masterpiece Malcolm X, but refused to say the last line, "by any means necessary" on camera, fearing that the apartheid would use it against him if he did.

16. Daydream Nation – Sonic Youth

This Magnum Opus comes from, arguably, one of the most influential bands of the 80's underground, Sonic Youth. The aptly titled "Daydream Nation" features a painting entitled Kerze ,or “Candle”, by German Photorealist Gerhard Richter, and a similar painting entitled Zwei Kerzen , or Two Candles, that is featured on the back. The LP's 4 sides and the CD itself featured four symbols on the disc, said to represent the four members of the band. The symbols featured are an infinity symbol, a female sign, an upper case omega, and a drawing of a demon/angel holding drumsticks. The flame of the candle lies just beneath the word "Nation" in the title, which almost ,inadvertently, symbolizes the rude awakening America has faced then, in 1988, and now while the world crumbles just slow enough to not disturb this zombified nation. And if the world is slowly ending, at least this classic has a chance to be preserved in the ruble of the Library of Congress, since it was added to the National Recording Registry.

Libya: Arm'em then Bomb'em!!!

In the area of the world that the Bush administration and the G8 have labeled the “Greater Middle East” civil unrest has grown uncontrollable, at least in the eyes of many absolute monarchies and military dictatorships that litter the landscape. The unprecedented chaos which has arisen out of a growing strife in 21 countries in a 4,800 mile region; which is home to over 425 million people. It is not only interesting, but also disheartening, that our government and mainstream media have deliberately chosen to focus on Libya. It is also frustrating that the humanitarian focus on regions like Libya, and to an even greater extent with the tragedies in Japan, has been downplayed, while fear mongering is in full effect. As usual, in traditional American journalistic fashion, our paltry pundits refuse to ask genuinely pressing questions, and have elected to rephrase political talking points spewed from the President's administration, and which have been passed off as “real” journalism.

The same talking points that were used to sell the American public on not one, but two interminable wars in the middle east, which to their own credit haven't even been resolved yet, are not only frightening but reek of the globalist agendas of “stability” and “strategic interest”. Pundits and politicians talk about the threat Muammar Gaddafi is to his own people and his excessive use of force. But this discussion shouldn't be about what Gaddafi has done, but rather how he has done it. No one has made a case for the excessive force that Gaddafi has used, except for maybe Saudi Arabia, in the form of reflective action. Saudi Arabia, much like Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, has used excessive forces and bribes not only to control their marginalized and angered masses, but have sent troops to countries like Bahrain and neighboring Yemen to help quell protests there as well.

President Obama said in his speech, “Some nations may be able to turn a blind eye to atrocities in other countries. The United States of America is different.” In what way are we different? Our country, and its leaders, have been known in the past to focus on removing dictators of certain countries that have resources that we covet, while turning a blind eye to other humanitarian atrocities. Of course Obama also fails to address the fact that his administration approved 40 billion dollars in weapons sales to countries including Egypt, Bahrain and Lybia over the last two years, which have led to the cries of foul play when tear gas canisters in Egypt were labeled “made in the USA”. Almost all of the equipment approved in 2009 was aircraft parts and, in 2008, $1 million was approved for explosives and incendiary agents which the State Department claimed were used “In oil exploration”. To make matters even worse some of the main contributors to the European Union, specifically Germany, United Kingdom, Paris and Italy, which makes up a majority of the NATO military coalition, have supplied €834.5 million (roughly 1.5 Billion US dollar), in arms to Libya over the last 5 years.

So maybe the question that should have been asked isn't “Is Gaddafi dangerous and should he be removed?” but “Why, and how has Gaddafi attained the means of his absolute political and military power, and how can we prevent monetary contributions to these fiascoes in the future?” If this country is really the beacon of peace that political talking heads, specifically presidents past and present, claim it to be, then why do we always find that we've substantially contributed, at least monetarily, to the tools of oppression that are utilized by the very dictators that we then turn around and condemn, while we turn their countries into rubble? It's as if our leaders sell these weapons with little or no discretion, while allowing our military to be reduced to nothing more than some kind of demolition subcontractor for contractors, like Halliburton, looking to capitalize on any skirmish in the “Greater Middle East”.

In the speech he gave Monday night about Libya, President Obama stated that, “For generations, the United States of America has played a unique role as an anchor of global security and as an advocate for human freedom.” I have to admit that I snickered a little after I heard that as I said under my breath, “well... “Unique” is one way to put it,” especially if you’re an idealist high on your own bullshit. Realistically are role has drifted further from “an anchor of global security”or “an advocate for human freedom” and become more of a global enabler and prime offender of ubiquitous and violent fiascoes, which ooze uncontrollably with lies and hypocrisy. Rhetoric like this is nothing more than a reaffirmation of American imperialism, which more times than not is unjustified, and becomes more fruitless with each passing decade. As Obama rattles off an endless stream of talking points about a “strong and growing coalition”, which seems hell bent on doing anything to get their economies out of a rut, everything the president says becomes increasingly disingenuous. He also mentioned the “historic resolution”, which not only creates a no-fly zone, but also a no-drive zone that may be a precursor to ground troops in Libya. That being said, it should be no surprise that the same day Obama was getting ready to defend, not a war, but a “kinetic military action”, Libyan rebels announced their intentions to begin trading oil for the first time in a month.

Once again another question, which is one that should probably be asked, though it might never be answered are about Gaddafi's opposition, who have merely been referred to by the media as “Rebels”. For instance, who are the rebel forces and what are they going to do with the money? Let us not forget about all of our past nation building attempts where the rebels minorities eventually became the oppressive majority. All you have to do is look at the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Iraq and Cuba to see how our willingness to fund the opposition to a sworn enemy always seems to create new enemies in the long run. These “seeds of democracy” that we've been planting since World War II, and more frequently since the advent of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, have a history of producing more rotten apples. Which leads me to my final question...when is it going to end?

-The Dead Guy

Record Jacket: 25 Favorite Album Covers (25-21)

As a self proclaimed discophile album artwork has always intrigued me since I first started listening to music. The first albums I ever owned had some of the most iconic covers ever seen, like Iron Maiden's Killers and Van Halen's 1984. They were on Compact Disc, since it was the mid 90's and people had stopped listening to vinyl record once they're tune table belt snapped. My dad still had a stack in his old stereo entertainment center, just minus the record player and stereo system... sigh. Eventually, I began to realize that someone had to design these album covers, and I was eager to find out everything I could about the fine artists and photographers who created these iconic images, and the graphic designers that layout the final product. I never judged an album by it cover, but was always interested to see how the sound of the music tied into the images that I held in my hand as I gave my ear drums a stimulating workout. After earning an A.A. In graphic design and printing T-shirts for some of my friends bands at my screen printing job, my love and appreciation for ALL of the artists that contribute to these sonic masterpieces, and the entire art experience that comes with them, has only grown. So with the free time I had I thought I would compile a list of the 25 album covers that have continuously fascinated me since I first started listen to music. So sit back, relax and enjoy the first installment of The Dead Guy's 25 favorite album covers.

25. Toxicity – System of a Down

Besides being probably the angriest, and most powerful anti-war albums in the last decade, which, ironically, was released a week before the events of September. 11^th, it is also the only System of a Down album, not to feature the Parental Advisory label, even with the use of minor profanities. It has a particularity iconoclastic album cover, one which suggests at our blur between unreality and reality, which exist in our entertainment and news. This happens in some of the worst places, in this case it's Hollywood. With the words “System of a Down” replacing the traditional “Hollywood” in the Hollywood Hills, and the word “Toxicity” in sprayed in blood red across the bottom of the hill, you'd have to be a fool to think this might be mellow bong ripping album.

24. They Only Come Out at Night – Edgar Winter Group

This album, which was released in 1972, features Edgar Winter himself wearing lipstick, eye makeup, and a cheek stud on the cover. Unlike glam rockers like David Bowie, Winter’s facade has been altered with the addition of mutton chops and lacks those boyish good looks made famous by David Bowie, which makes for a much more interesting assault on the American public. There is just something about a man, like Edgar Winter, in drag that is deeply disturbing, unattractive and highly intriguing. This album cover epitomizes the glam rock scene that would help blur those pesky gender lines and stereo types that are just plain silly.

23.Nothing Shocking – Jane's Addiction

Perry Farrell created the cover image for Nothing's Shocking. Farrell said the image, like much of his artwork, came to him in a dream. Farrell had hired Warner Brother employees to create the cover sculpture, but after learning how to create sculptures by watching them closely, he fired the Warner Brothers staff and created the artwork himself. Farrell hired someone to help create a full body casting of his girlfriend for use as the sculptures. Retailers and PRMC talking heads like Tipper Gore objected to the album's cover, which 9 out of the 11 leading record store chains refused to carry, since and the record had to be issued covered with a brown paper bag. The brashness and beauty speak for its self, the surreal images of naked conjoined twins with their heads on fire, let's you know right away that you should be prepared for a face melting wall of sound.

22. What Am I Doing in New Jersey? - George Carlin

This is one of my favorite albums for two reasons. First, my family is from New Jersey, and I hate it just as much as Carlin. Secondly, it's one of the first album where Carlin treads into the topic of current politics. Carlin opening line sums up the political climate of the 80's with, "I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration." The Album cover captures the price of industrialization in the most over industrialized states in the union, New Jersey. Standing in one of the many industrial parks that litter the great “Garden State” or as Carlin so eloquently puts it, “The Garden State? Sure, if you're growing smoke stacks!, This album captures America at the beginning of its decline into bad health and stupidity. The Cover captures everything that people around the world have hated about this country, and it's people since then. Who knew a single image could capture the disparity of “Reaganomics” and the trickledown theory, and the demise of the American Dream. It is also one of the few albums covers that features the World Trade Center, how apropos!

21. Given to the Rising - Neurosis

When it comes to iconic imagery look no further then Oaklands very own Neurosis, and their last record Given to the Rising. The simplicity of the overall layout in overshadowed by the very powerful image of a horse with antler armor. The horse in one of many statues in the famous Hosök tere, or Hero's Square. The Horse of Hero Square is symbolic of the sound of this album, and in general, the raw power of the very influential Neurosis.

-The Dead Guy

Distortion of Divinity: Avoiding the Game, and Attaining Spiritual Acquiescence

For quite some time now I've been contemplating this religious shit flinging that has taken place recently in the form of book burning. It always nice to see that the pious, monotheistic religions of the west have not allowed the purely materialist act of book burning go out of style. These people have obviously taken their eye off the ball when it comes to the spiritual well-being of the planet and its inhabitants. Religion can, in fact, be very beneficial to a society when utilized properly. The problem with institutionalized religion is the idea that the dogmas set forth by religious authorities, are not in any way shape or form, perversions of the doctrine, and that the doctrine being interpreted is divinely inspired, and thus an infallible guide to living life. Alan Watts was once asked by a radio announcer, "Don’t you think that if there is a truly loving God, He would given us a plain and specific guide as to how to live our lives?” he knew that the man was referring to the Bible and replied, “On the contrary, I think a truly loving God would not stultify our minds. He would encourage us to think for ourselves."

Although it may be true that many of these writings contain some form of the teachings of Moses, Jesus or Mohamed, it is irresponsible to assume that the pen-holders did not inject some of their personal beliefs into the mouths of these men, or that some statements may have been distorted unintentional and lost in translation. All religious text from the Qur'an to the Bible and even eastern text, such as Hindu Bhagavad Gita or Buddhist Bardo Thodol (Book of the Dead), contain teaching that can help guide some to a more spiritually loving path. I find it really disheartening when individuals use the dogma of interpreters, such as St. Augustine, to condemn people as unfaithful sinners. All of these ideologies that have been handed down to us are rarely question. I would consider this a failure of moral courage, and a transgression on the human soul. I doubt Jesus would waste his time concerning himself with things such as “Original Sin” or the idea that accepting him as the son of God was the only path toward salvation. Many people consider me odd and eccentric, but I think my idea of of who Jesus was is closer to the true nature of Christ and his message to humanity, dogma and doctrine aside.

First, it is important to point out that many people are labeled non-believers by the so called “Faithful”, when they question the dogma erected in the name of Jesus Christ or any other religious figure, or what many consider to be messengers of God, or what I think is more appropriate “couriers of the Universe”. One thing that people seem to forget is that Jesus was quite the questioner himself. Many seem to forget that he spent a lot of time questioning Judaism, which is most apparent in narratives like the The Money Changers, where Jesus quotes from the Torah by exclaiming, "The Scriptures declare, 'My Temple will be called a house of prayer,' but you have turned it into a den of thieves!”.(Isaiah 56:7, Jeremiah 7:11) This seems to be a staple in the teaching of Jesus, which is the fundamental idea that materialism has no place in a temple, intended solely for communion with God. If anything it is the materialism that distracts us from uniting with the divine. Therefore, by allowing materialism into the temple, in the form of the merchants and money changers, a place where people went to commune with god, the leaders of the temple were undermining the basic spiritual function of the temple.

It is interesting to point out that the spiritual teaching inherited from many of the spiritual leader's that have presented themselves in the history of mankind, have epitomized similar spiritual tenets. From Jesus and Socrates, to Buddha and Gandhi they have all had similar underlying ideals. All of which, with the exception of Buddha, were killed subsequently. The disparity in this trend was pointed out by Bill Hicks when he said, “It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … Jesus - murdered; Martin Luther King - murdered; Malcolm X - murdered; Gandhi - murdered; John Lennon - murdered; Reagan... wounded.” It seems that the western mind has a tendency to over value life, and fear death even though they are one in the same. There is a grace in these “preachers of peace” deaths who, as some would say, had a lot more to give, but I guess the universe thought differently.

I think the most profound teaching, that a person like Jesus had to offer humanity, was in his death, but not in the traditional way that we have been lead to believe. I think Jesus demonstrated his philosophy of anti materialism most profoundly in his self sacrifice. I don't see Jesus' death as a provocation of the sacrifice that Jewish prophecy predicted, or the idea perpetuated by an institution like the Catholic Church, that Jesus was dying for the world sins. Our body is what connects us to the material world and, as Gnostics believed, was the final obstacle in the way of our inevitable reunion with god, or more precisely the universe. It as if Jesus wanted us to know that we should never fear death, or we may forget to live.

I think the attempt of preserving the material body, as observed in the funerary processes of traditional Judaism and Christianity are a bit morbid and far from practical. It is an attempt to persevere a vessel, a mere shell of a person, in attempt to preserve the essence of that person, even though the essence goes much deeper then the skin and the body, and leaves after we die. Our body is animated by the energy, which may radiate from our soul, or true self, which many refer to as the “Spirit” or essence of a being. There is really no need to preserve the entirety of an empty vessel, unless you are materialistic. Furthermore, the amount of money spent on these frivolous ceremonies is just another aspect of this misguided materialism.

On the other hand, when compared to the funerary practices of eastern religions, which may be seen as morbid to the western mind, is far more practical and much more captivating. Of the many forms of eastern burials I find the sky burial most intriguing. This is a practice in Tibet wherein a human corpse is cut in specific locations and placed on a mountaintop, exposing it to the elements or the mahabhuta and animals, especially to birds of prey. A sky burial, or Jhator, is considered an act of generosity on the part of the deceased, since the deceased and surviving relatives are providing food to sustain living beings. Generosity and compassion for all beings are important virtues or paramita in Buddhism. I hope that one day my remains can be disposed of in this fashion, as George Carlin once said, ‎"If we're going to recycle, let's get serious!"

Materialism, in a nut shell, is a very narrow and bleak philosophy for simple minded people. It over values the external world, and neglects the internal world, or at least fails to unite body, mind and spirit in a more psychologically healthy union. Much like the great spiritual teachers before me, I view the material world as a world of illusion; inherit with the spiritual trappings of mankind. As Nikos Kasantzakis stated so eloquently in the Epilogue for The Last Temptation of Christ:

“Within me are the dark immemorial forces of the Evil One, human and pre- human; within me too are the luminous forces, human and pre-human, of God— and my soul is the arena where these two armies have clashed and met.

The anguish has been intense. I loved my body and did not want it to perish; I loved my soul and did not want it to decay. I have fought to reconcile these two primordial forces which are so contrary to each other, to make them realize that they are not enemies but, rather, fellow workers, so that they might rejoice in their harmony, and so that I might rejoice with them.”

-The Dead Guy

How To Be a Dick: Holiday Edition

Ah, it’s that time of year again! Lights have been hung, menorahs have been lit, shoppers have been trampled and children everywhere have been traumatized by being thrust into a fat stranger’s lap. What better time is there to exercise your inalienable right to be an entitled, oversensitive, undeniable dickhead? It’s you right, no, it’s your job to make this time of year as stressful as possible for everyone around you. To ensure maximum impact, you should follow the five simple steps bellow!

Enjoy.

1. Wait until 8pm on the night before the holiday to begin to do your shopping. This will ensure that you can maximize your opportunity to be a total dick and offend the absolute greatest amount of people. Go out without a plan and expecting to be able to find every item you want in the exact color, size and design that you desire. Expect and demand that hottest toy, the one which has been virtually sold out since October, be readily available to you at a moment’s notice and in a perfect box.

2. Be nasty when in public. Walk through the mall, the bank, the grocery store and anywhere else you can run into a variety of people and act as though you are walking through a veritable miasma. This is your holiday of choice and these people are in your way, invading your personal space and generally making you wait an extra 2.5 minutes to get to the item you are entitled to purchase. Sneer at everyone who dares to smile at you. Bonus points if you can direct your shit smelling ire at a child under 5.

3. Once in line, stare angrily at the person in front of you. How dare they get there first? Don’t they know that you are on a very important errand and need to purchase your tickle me whatever first? Sigh loudly. Shift your weight and look at your watch repeatedly and in an exaggerated manner. If the line moves and they don’t, clear your throat and aggressively inch forward. Make that asshole in front of you know that they have absolutely ruined your day, your holiday, your children’s holiday and your great grandma’s holiday.

4. In the parking lot, drive the wrong way down the aisle, looking for a close spot. When you don’t find one that is vacant, begin scouting for people who may be loading up. Find the person with the greatest amount of packages and pull right up to their car. Once they begin loading up, it’s time to let them know that they are not doing it quickly enough. Lean on your horn, shout obscenities at them, shake your fist angrily and throw a tantrum until they are ready to pull out. Leave them just barely enough room to do so safely. As they are pulling away, give them the middle finger. Bonus points if you can do this with a family with children or someone who is elderly or infirm.

5. Once you get to the cashier and present your items to him or him, point out every single packaging flaw and demand a discount. How dare they not have the forethought to package these items in something that will operate like titanium in the store yet melt like butter when opened? If you have found something you want to purchase but not in the correct size or color, give the cashier hell. They should have known you were coming and help the item for you. Everyone knows that people who work retail are nothing but slaves to your whims! Once you are finished haranguing them about the lack of selection, the lack of colors and the general atmosphere in the store, demand that they gift wrap your items for free, place each of them into their own separate bag and magically teleport them to your car. If they acquiesce to your demands, make sure you let them know that they are not doing it quickly enough!

BONUS ROUND: After you have paid for your items and ensured that they are all suitably perfect, the cashier or another store employee may offer you some sort of seasonal well wishes. If they wish you a happy or merry specific holiday, become ridiculously offended that they have chosen a holiday which you do not celebrate. Let them know that they are racist and just as bad as Hitler, Stalin and the Heat Miser combined. Demand to see a manager. Yell at them and then go home to write a nasty letter to the local paper about how offended you are. Alternately, if they wish you happy holidays and you happen to be Christian, freak the hell out on them. How dare they engage in the war on Christmas? Don’t they know that without your god being born they would not have jobs? They are trying to rob you of your right to celebrate an imaginary birth! Remind them of the reason for the season and demand to see their manager. Give him or her holy hell (no pun intended) and then rush home to write angry letters to the local papers, Bill O’Reily and the Pope. Waste no time! This is war!

-Shannon (Who wants to remind you that the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear)

Jukebox Hero: Special Holiday Edition; The Bootlicker:

As we close in on the holidays, it is inevitable that some people may lose their bearings as the holidays approach. Those of us that have worked in retail or a restaurant quickly discover on Black Friday that this is going to be a long month, with an even worse soundtrack. If you're like me, you may wander the mall thinking, “why does the sound of Christmas music and the obsessive devotion to economic materialism always make me wish for a nuclear holocaust.” or, “Am I crazy or am I floating in a sea of the oblivious.” and then sooner or later, “I’ve got to get the fuck out of here!!”

Well there's no need to fear ‘cause the Dead Guy is here, and man do I have the solution to your lack of good tunes this holiday season, The Melvins' Bootlicker (1999). Nothing makes me enjoy the holiday season, much like this masterpiece. It is the second installment in a trilogy, which includes The Maggot (1999) and The Crybaby (2000). The fact that these albums were released only months, not years, apart are a testament to the musical prowess of the Blitzkrieg we call The Melvins. With songs like “Toy” and “Black Santa” the mellow, melodic sound of this album will entice you to enjoy it near the warmth of a hearth, while you sip on a hot toddy. It relaxed and mischievous feel will evoke the simpler times of your childhood, as The Melvins prove once again that they have more range in their pinkies then most bands have at all. Join The Melvins on this weird, psychedelic and surreal journey though the innocence of our childhood imaginations, while you enjoy flashbacks of that time you where tripping during that sweet ass snowstorm.

I was introduced to the Melvins by a friend from work who played guitar. The first time we meet he asked me if I listened Tool and the Deftones. I complied and we've been friend ever since. One day during a smoke break he told me about seeing The Melvins with Jello Biafra the night before. Staring at him, with a puzzled look on my face I asked, “Who are The Melvins?”. As the story goes he was first shocked, but more than that, he was... well, disappointed. So disappointed in fact, that he told me he would introduce me to them and, “You my friend WILL love them.” The Dead Guy had not been born yet, but very soon would be, along with “the jacket” . Loving bands like Tool and the Deftones as I did, finding the Melvins was like finding the holy grail of stoner metal. The now gray haired rock good, King Buzzo was a force of awe. He was a lumbering, sludgy, guitar shredding nerd with a great sense of humor, who I would one day meet. And sitting behind him, wielding a drum kit like the Hammer of Thor, was a mini Danny Carry named Dale Crover.

Being plumbed aurally by these two, I have grown quite accustomed to the heavy stoner sound that made me feel high when I was completely sober. Yet with such a distinct sound, I'm always impressed that none of their works sound alike, and this album is no exception. What may be the most unique work of the melvins, it displays a eureka moment of precision, granted by the experimentation that was afforded to them, after Atlantic dropped the from their label, and Mike Patton signed them to his indie label, Ipecac Records. Signing with Ipecac has given The Melvins the ability to experiment in all aspects with the recording process, which wasn't usually granted by major labels. It would be pretty ballsy to go into a new record company with such an ambitious idea like a trilogy, but with Mike Patton anything is possible.

The only thing that would be more ambitious then this masterpiece and the rest of the trilogy would be if Tool did a jazz album. This album has the ability to be a sprawling laid back trip that could fit into a corner of an empty, run down gin joint on Christmas Eve. It expands and contracts with mellow jams that seamless flow into some of the weirdest experiments with noise and sound that would make John Cale and Frank Zappa proud. From Buzzo's enchanted whispering of, “Toy, Toy, Toy, Toy” at the beginning of the album all the way to the spacey psychedelic acoustic jam of “Prig”this album will make you feel warm all over this holiday season.

-The Dead Guy

Track list (youtube.com links):

1.Toy

2. Let It All Be (live in Norway!)

3. Black Santa

4. We We

5. Up The Dumper

6. Mary Lady Bobby Kins

7. Jew Boy Flower Head

8. Lone Rose Holding Now

9. Prig

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