Thursday, December 23, 2010

How To Be a Dick: Holiday Edition

Ah, it’s that time of year again! Lights have been hung, menorahs have been lit, shoppers have been trampled and children everywhere have been traumatized by being thrust into a fat stranger’s lap. What better time is there to exercise your inalienable right to be an entitled, oversensitive, undeniable dickhead? It’s you right, no, it’s your job to make this time of year as stressful as possible for everyone around you. To ensure maximum impact, you should follow the five simple steps bellow!


1. Wait until 8pm on the night before the holiday to begin to do your shopping. This will ensure that you can maximize your opportunity to be a total dick and offend the absolute greatest amount of people. Go out without a plan and expecting to be able to find every item you want in the exact color, size and design that you desire. Expect and demand that hottest toy, the one which has been virtually sold out since October, be readily available to you at a moment’s notice and in a perfect box.

2. Be nasty when in public. Walk through the mall, the bank, the grocery store and anywhere else you can run into a variety of people and act as though you are walking through a veritable miasma. This is your holiday of choice and these people are in your way, invading your personal space and generally making you wait an extra 2.5 minutes to get to the item you are entitled to purchase. Sneer at everyone who dares to smile at you. Bonus points if you can direct your shit smelling ire at a child under 5.

3. Once in line, stare angrily at the person in front of you. How dare they get there first? Don’t they know that you are on a very important errand and need to purchase your tickle me whatever first? Sigh loudly. Shift your weight and look at your watch repeatedly and in an exaggerated manner. If the line moves and they don’t, clear your throat and aggressively inch forward. Make that asshole in front of you know that they have absolutely ruined your day, your holiday, your children’s holiday and your great grandma’s holiday.

4. In the parking lot, drive the wrong way down the aisle, looking for a close spot. When you don’t find one that is vacant, begin scouting for people who may be loading up. Find the person with the greatest amount of packages and pull right up to their car. Once they begin loading up, it’s time to let them know that they are not doing it quickly enough. Lean on your horn, shout obscenities at them, shake your fist angrily and throw a tantrum until they are ready to pull out. Leave them just barely enough room to do so safely. As they are pulling away, give them the middle finger. Bonus points if you can do this with a family with children or someone who is elderly or infirm.

5. Once you get to the cashier and present your items to him or him, point out every single packaging flaw and demand a discount. How dare they not have the forethought to package these items in something that will operate like titanium in the store yet melt like butter when opened? If you have found something you want to purchase but not in the correct size or color, give the cashier hell. They should have known you were coming and help the item for you. Everyone knows that people who work retail are nothing but slaves to your whims! Once you are finished haranguing them about the lack of selection, the lack of colors and the general atmosphere in the store, demand that they gift wrap your items for free, place each of them into their own separate bag and magically teleport them to your car. If they acquiesce to your demands, make sure you let them know that they are not doing it quickly enough!

BONUS ROUND: After you have paid for your items and ensured that they are all suitably perfect, the cashier or another store employee may offer you some sort of seasonal well wishes. If they wish you a happy or merry specific holiday, become ridiculously offended that they have chosen a holiday which you do not celebrate. Let them know that they are racist and just as bad as Hitler, Stalin and the Heat Miser combined. Demand to see a manager. Yell at them and then go home to write a nasty letter to the local paper about how offended you are. Alternately, if they wish you happy holidays and you happen to be Christian, freak the hell out on them. How dare they engage in the war on Christmas? Don’t they know that without your god being born they would not have jobs? They are trying to rob you of your right to celebrate an imaginary birth! Remind them of the reason for the season and demand to see their manager. Give him or her holy hell (no pun intended) and then rush home to write angry letters to the local papers, Bill O’Reily and the Pope. Waste no time! This is war!

-Shannon (Who wants to remind you that the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear)


  1. 1. Check.
    2. Check.
    3. Check.
    4. Check.
    5. DOUBLE-check.
    Bonus: I like to wish people some seasonal greeting, then when they say "I'm not (jewish, christian, whatever)" I say "You should be." Glare at them, and walk away.