You were first perplexed by her emergence from nowhere. Then you were shocked by her lack of knowledge, credentials, and ability to form a coherent thought. You soon grew angry – angry that people actually took (and still do take) her seriously. Shame quickly ensued; shame to be a fellow American, Republican and/or Alaskan. You eventually got over all of this, thankfully, and even learned to find a bit of humor in her incessant, very public gaffes. But now, NOW – countless train wrecks later – you just. find. her. annoying. Her trite colloquialisms. Her mind-numbing rambling. Her nasally nagging. Argh. For the sake of the purity and sanctity of a true 15 minutes of fame, Sarah Palin, will you go away already?!
Ah, but do not fret; for here are ten ways you can help ensure this really happens:
10. Put off the off-putter. Attend an event in which Palin is speaking and repeat everything she says loud enough so she can hear just how ridiculous she sounds. Really practice the accent. You may be no Tina Fey, but that’s okay; the point is to come across as gratingly irritating as Palin is, which won’t be difficult.
9. Place the onus on somebody else. If a supporter utters Palin’s name in your presence, sniff both of your armpits and say, “Phew, thank god it’s not me.” Then look at the person accusatorily. Walk away.
8. Eradicate the virus. Whenever you see her name in print online, remove Palin from the tag cloud and add your favorite one-hit-wonder band instead.
7. Make lemonade from poop. Create a snazzy Sarah for Prez website. Pool some funds to purchase the following Adwords on Google: blockhead, dolt, dummy, fool, imbecile, jackass, ignoramus, moron, nitwit, twit, twat and you betcha. Link these relatively inexpensive words to the website. As for website content, upload people’s reactions caught on video to Palin’s speeches, etc. (similar to bestreactions.com vis-à-vis the infamous 2 girls, 1 cup). Watch the traffic on the site explode; then charge for advertising. Send all proceeds to Planned Parenthood.
6. Bribe the willing. Since it’s obvious that Palin is purely money-driven, simply organize a fundraising campaign to raise enough cash to pay her to go away forever. Think about it – if every American donated $1, Palin would earn well over $300 million. That’s so beyond worth it – for her and certainly for everybody else.
5. Offense and defense. Use Palin to plug the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, yes. But why stop there? There are limitless gushing holes that need plugging. Hmm, are you thinking what I’m thinking? Palin as the new face of tampons? Nah, that’s offensive to tampons.
4. Promote brand awareness. You can accumulate (and delight in) as many Palinisms as you’d like – and there are already zillions – but the real way to taint (read: color) a legacy is to personify that individual’s most celebrated failure. So, for example, a person who quits halfway through a political term for no other reason than out of sheer laziness or opportunistic self-gain should be branded a Pali or Palinite or Palininny or Palinumskull or Palinincompoop. You get the idea.
3. Porn. Just, porn. Rent, buy or download Nailin Palin and request squeals. The porn industry is perhaps the most adept at quickly responding to market demands. And advertisers will no doubt follow suit. If there’s going to be a Palin empire, then it might as well be in porn (and at others’ monetary gain).
2. Boycott the products you’re not already using. Do not patronize any organization or company that supports, endorses or pays Palin for anything. Fox, no. TLC, no. HarperCollins, no. It’s not like you’ll be missing much from any of these companies. Glenn Beck? What Not to Wear? Whatever. Although, Toddlers and Tiaras is some pretty deep shit, if you ask me.
1. Out of sight, out of a job. Lastly, pretend Palin’s a panhandler or a Jehovah’s Witness or a crying baby, and, well, simply ignore her.