Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Where Did All The Real Men Go? They Turned Into Women.

When I was younger, I used to listen to the older man discuss women.
To hear these men speak, you'd think that women were evil creatures
who existed only to drain you of your funds, withhold sex, and bitch
at you for enjoying anything involving a team of some kind, be it
Delta Force or the Eagles. Women were delicate swans who liked shiny
things and men were savage beasts who drank whiskey and ate raw meat
right off the bone of a creature they hunted themselves with their
bare hands. Thinking back, I have no idea who these men were. They
were probably stand-up comedians I saw on TV. The point is, men were
bad ass and physical, while women were soft and emotional.

Cut to my Facebook page in 2010. One male "friend" frequently posts
about how he just can't wait to curl up next to his girlfriend and
another one talks about a girl playing with his heart. Compare and
contrast with the women. One girl talks about whiskey and farting. A
few days ago, another girl posted about her boyfriend broke up with
her and the time is right to party. A rather large portion of my
female friends are constantly prattling on about sports. Pardon my
french, but what the fuck is this bullshit? This was not the world
late night comedians prepared me for! This some crazy bizarro world
where women open bottles with their teeth and men know damned well
that they have to have dinner on the table by 5, not 5:15.

I know what you're thinking. "Mike, you're sexist and I hate you." But
you're wrong! You don't really hate me. Not yet. This isn't about
"traditional gender roles," or any of that silly crap. This about
something even more terrifying than women voting or making decisions:
WE ACTUALLY LISTENED TO EACH OTHER! If you think back to your
formative years, you might remember men discussing women in the same
way I do. The consensus was that men wanted women that acted like
them. As a result, little girls began to act like men as they grew
older. They took an interest in sports and drinking and fighting. My
generation of males came of age in the time of Dawson's Creek. Now I
know that you're finding it hard to fathom that such an insignificant
part of the nineties played such a large part in guy-liner and the
wimpiness of today's male, but remember that I was 13 and Dawson's
Creek was the hottest thing going for the tween girls. It was the
first show I remember that showed males crying over girls. Now
McDreamy cries every week. And all the girls wanted a guy like Dawson.
Here's a guy who shared his bed with a girl he wasn't going to have
sex with, and we were all expected to act like him. Thanks a lot,
Kevin Williamson.

Now look at us. A generation of hard-drinkin', tough talkin' chicks,
and a bunch of overly sensitive, teary-eyed men. What does this mean
for my generation? Nothing really. It's just something interesting to
think about. Our gender roles completely flipped and nobody seems to
really notice. What happens here on out? Do women get tired of
candy-ass men? Do men get tired of women who drink them under the
table? Will there be a helpline for abused men? Will men get together
once a week to drink wine and gossip under the guise of a book club? I
hope so. I love gossiping about that fat cow, Joe, who lives across
the street. You know I heard he slept with two women last month. You
believe that? What a whore.


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