Tuesday, May 17, 2011

How To Be A Dick: Show Edition

One of my favorite leisure activities is attending rock shows. I, along with thousands of like-minded individuals, will attend almost any show if the chance presents itself to me. As such, I have been to hundreds of shows in my lifetime. This expertise has allowed me to compile a comprehensive list of ways in which you can elevate yourself from an average show goer to a total dick. Enjoy.

1. This is the first and easiest step to complete as it can be accomplished before the show begins. In fact, you don’t even need a ticket to pull it off. Since most concerts are held in metropolitan areas, there is a good chance that the one you attending will be in an area that is both residential and full of businesses. Before you go to your show, you can score major points by treating the surrounding neighborhood as though it is a dump/toilet/frat house/whatever. Once you park your car, be certain to yell as loudly as possible. Drink some beers and leave the empties anywhere you please, after all, you don’t have to clean it up so why should you care? If you’re white and middle class, be certain to complain loudly about poor people and minorities while you make your way to the venue. If you encounter a homeless person, get major bonus points for taunting them with the fact that you are unwilling to give to them. Claim that you are poor too, completely ignoring the fact that you’ve already spent at least $50 just to get into the door of the event. (This step can also be completed or even repeated after you’ve left the event.)

2. As you wait in line to enter the venue, continue editorializing about the state of the location. Loudly bemoan the fact that you had to walk on a dirty sidewalk, near homeless people, to get there. Complain about the trash and debris littering the area, as though you had nothing at all to do with it. As you get closer to the doors, and the inevitable security check, make loud jokes about rent-a-cops and pretend that you are concealing weapons/bombs/roofies. Threaten to sue the security guard for frisking you as you snidely look down your nose at him or her for daring to fulfill their duties. If you’re attempting to smuggle in some sort of illicit substance and get caught, yell at them for violating your rights until they are forced to call the police and have you arrested. Not only will you succeed in being a huge dick, but you will also provide endless amusement for those in line behind you, as well as a welcome distraction for local police.

3. Once you get into the venue, try to gain entry to the designated 21 + areas without showing ID. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually of age, just refuse to show your license. Shout “But I’m twenty-twoooooooooooooooooooooo” at the security guard with the hand stamp as a means of showing your maturity. When this doesn’t work, groan loudly and make huge show out of retrieving your wallet. Extract your ID from said wallet with the most exaggerated motions possible before shoving it so close to the checker’s face that they couldn’t possible see it. Then get angry when you’re asked to move it. Once you’ve proven your legal right to be a drunk dick, proceed slowly into the desired bar area while complaining about the hassle of having to prove your age. There will probably be quite a line for drinks at this point, so just shove those assholes out of your way until you’re belly up to the bar. Once there, wave your arms frantically until the bartender notices you. Once they come over, ask them the prices of every possible drink combo on the planet. Ignore the clearly printed price list in front of you. Finally, once they have repeated every price, order the first thing you asked about.

4. Once the bands begin to play, the real fun begins. This step is not for beginners, as it requires a real commitment. Once the music starts, regardless of how heavy or mellow, how fast or slow, start flailing around like you’re an epileptic on speed. Alternate between swinging your arms wildly from side to side and rapidly fist pumping to the beat. Try to start a mosh pit wherever you are by pulling and pushing others into you. If someone gets hurt, you’re doing it right. Respond to any and all protests by declaring that those complaining are total pussies. Alternately, if you’re in the back of the venue, you can attempt to push those in front of you closer to the stage as though you are trying to compress them. Basically, at this point, the rest of the crowd is your enemy and you must defeat them at any cost in order to reach the foot of the stage. Bonus points for crowd surfing. Remember, nothing expresses love for the band like forcing their other fans to choose between holding your hulking frame aloft and taking a size 13 Doc Martin to the face!

5. Believe it or not, the post show time frame is just as important as all of the others. Here, you can really shine. Once each band finishes playing, you should loudly begin complaining about how the band(s) didn’t perform as well as they have the 10,000 other times you’ve seen them. Start declaring that this venue was far too large and you’ve seen them in tiny corner bars, small local clubs, your best friend’s bar mitzvah, whatever. The point is that the band sucked tonight and you, the super fan, have seen them perform much, much better. As you’re doing this, loiter until you’re just about the last person there. When the security staff inevitably asks you to leave, yell at them some more about their fascist techniques and lack of understanding about how you pay their salary. Continue doing this as they toss you out on your ass. Don’t forget to repeat step 1 for extra points.

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