How To Be A Dick: Show Edition

One of my favorite leisure activities is attending rock shows. I, along with thousands of like-minded individuals, will attend almost any show if the chance presents itself to me. As such, I have been to hundreds of shows in my lifetime. This expertise has allowed me to compile a comprehensive list of ways in which you can elevate yourself from an average show goer to a total dick. Enjoy.

1. This is the first and easiest step to complete as it can be accomplished before the show begins. In fact, you don’t even need a ticket to pull it off. Since most concerts are held in metropolitan areas, there is a good chance that the one you attending will be in an area that is both residential and full of businesses. Before you go to your show, you can score major points by treating the surrounding neighborhood as though it is a dump/toilet/frat house/whatever. Once you park your car, be certain to yell as loudly as possible. Drink some beers and leave the empties anywhere you please, after all, you don’t have to clean it up so why should you care? If you’re white and middle class, be certain to complain loudly about poor people and minorities while you make your way to the venue. If you encounter a homeless person, get major bonus points for taunting them with the fact that you are unwilling to give to them. Claim that you are poor too, completely ignoring the fact that you’ve already spent at least $50 just to get into the door of the event. (This step can also be completed or even repeated after you’ve left the event.)

2. As you wait in line to enter the venue, continue editorializing about the state of the location. Loudly bemoan the fact that you had to walk on a dirty sidewalk, near homeless people, to get there. Complain about the trash and debris littering the area, as though you had nothing at all to do with it. As you get closer to the doors, and the inevitable security check, make loud jokes about rent-a-cops and pretend that you are concealing weapons/bombs/roofies. Threaten to sue the security guard for frisking you as you snidely look down your nose at him or her for daring to fulfill their duties. If you’re attempting to smuggle in some sort of illicit substance and get caught, yell at them for violating your rights until they are forced to call the police and have you arrested. Not only will you succeed in being a huge dick, but you will also provide endless amusement for those in line behind you, as well as a welcome distraction for local police.

3. Once you get into the venue, try to gain entry to the designated 21 + areas without showing ID. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually of age, just refuse to show your license. Shout “But I’m twenty-twoooooooooooooooooooooo” at the security guard with the hand stamp as a means of showing your maturity. When this doesn’t work, groan loudly and make huge show out of retrieving your wallet. Extract your ID from said wallet with the most exaggerated motions possible before shoving it so close to the checker’s face that they couldn’t possible see it. Then get angry when you’re asked to move it. Once you’ve proven your legal right to be a drunk dick, proceed slowly into the desired bar area while complaining about the hassle of having to prove your age. There will probably be quite a line for drinks at this point, so just shove those assholes out of your way until you’re belly up to the bar. Once there, wave your arms frantically until the bartender notices you. Once they come over, ask them the prices of every possible drink combo on the planet. Ignore the clearly printed price list in front of you. Finally, once they have repeated every price, order the first thing you asked about.

4. Once the bands begin to play, the real fun begins. This step is not for beginners, as it requires a real commitment. Once the music starts, regardless of how heavy or mellow, how fast or slow, start flailing around like you’re an epileptic on speed. Alternate between swinging your arms wildly from side to side and rapidly fist pumping to the beat. Try to start a mosh pit wherever you are by pulling and pushing others into you. If someone gets hurt, you’re doing it right. Respond to any and all protests by declaring that those complaining are total pussies. Alternately, if you’re in the back of the venue, you can attempt to push those in front of you closer to the stage as though you are trying to compress them. Basically, at this point, the rest of the crowd is your enemy and you must defeat them at any cost in order to reach the foot of the stage. Bonus points for crowd surfing. Remember, nothing expresses love for the band like forcing their other fans to choose between holding your hulking frame aloft and taking a size 13 Doc Martin to the face!

5. Believe it or not, the post show time frame is just as important as all of the others. Here, you can really shine. Once each band finishes playing, you should loudly begin complaining about how the band(s) didn’t perform as well as they have the 10,000 other times you’ve seen them. Start declaring that this venue was far too large and you’ve seen them in tiny corner bars, small local clubs, your best friend’s bar mitzvah, whatever. The point is that the band sucked tonight and you, the super fan, have seen them perform much, much better. As you’re doing this, loiter until you’re just about the last person there. When the security staff inevitably asks you to leave, yell at them some more about their fascist techniques and lack of understanding about how you pay their salary. Continue doing this as they toss you out on your ass. Don’t forget to repeat step 1 for extra points.

How TO Be A Dick: Restaurant Edition

I was going to begin, as promised below, writing a regular column explaining how not to be a dick. However, when I thought about it carefully, perhaps I had it backward. Maybe, and I have a ton of anecdotal evidence to support this, people want to be dicks. Who am I to tell them they can't? Well, if you ask them, I am a no body and should mind my own f**king business. We all know that is out the question, so I decided to give advice, instead, on how to be a dick. Enjoy.


Ten Easy Steps To Being A Total Dick While Dining Out


1.Please respond to all questions by staff with total non sequiturs. Examples of this include responding to the host/hostess's greeting of “Hi. How are you”, with a number or the word “boof”, and responding to your server's inquiry into your well being with something like “Ice Tea!” or “Bread!”. Bonus points if you can make it through your entire meal without ever responding appropriately to a direct question.

2.Never, ever, for any reason, use a complete sentence when addressing a staff member. This rule builds nicely off of tip #1. Basically, you want to respond to each new question, comment or inquisitive glance with a one word response such as “fine!” or “Steak!”. Advanced diners are capable of not only following this guideline, but of reducing most responses to mere grunts.

3.Once you've mastered the skills listed above, you can graduate to the advanced class of diners by gradually replacing words and grunts with gestures and signs. Signal the host that you've got two people in your party by simply waving something like a peace sign in the air (that's two fingers held aloft for those of you who don't know). Need a new drink? Easy. Just wave your glass in the air like you're having a seizure in your dominant arm until someone notices and fetches your refill. We all know the sign for “check please”, so always be sure to invent some sort of new, unintelligible sign for that so you can progress more easily to step 4.

4.Always, always be annoyed by anything and everything that occurs during the course of your meal. If your well done steak takes more than 3 minutes to prepare, you should immediately begin squirming, sighing, looking at your watch in an exaggerated manner (bonus points if you're not actually wearing a watch) and gesturing wildly for attention. If your food comes out quickly, make a dramatic show out of moving your salad or bread plate out of the way before suspiciously examining your plate for signs of error. Should your server pick up on your annoyance and offer to hold your food for you until you are ready, huffily inform her that you know she will just let your food rot under a heat lamp and that is unacceptable.

5.Eat every single thing you are offered with gusto and joy. Be so enthusiastic about this that whenever a staff member comes near your table to ask how you like everything, your mouth is so full of food that they cannot understand a single word you are saying and must duck to avoid being splattered with your half masticated wild wing zingers. Then, when you've licked your plate clean, proceed to loudly comment to your dining companions that you've tasted better slop in a greyhound bathroom. Since you'll be doing this as soon as your server turns his back, he will turn around and ask again if everything is ok. Tell him it is with an odd smile before finding and cornering the manager on duty and berating them endlessly about how awful the food is. Refuse any form of compensation for this and threaten to never return. Repeat this step with the free desert they bring you.

6.There is never, ever, ever, enough alcohol in your drink! This is easy with froufrou girl candy drinks like strawberry daiquiris because they are specially formulated so you can't really taste the liquor. Don't let this stop you though. Take half a sip, smell your drink dramatically and begin hysterically berating the bartender for trying to rip you off by not putting enough booze in there. Repeat this step over and over until you are sipping straight 151 through a straw. Alternately, order a single malt scotch, down the whole thing rapidly and then proceed to scream that you've been poisoned/given dummy liquor/ it tastes like burning until a manager comes over an offers to comp your drink.

7.Not a drinker? Easy. Simply come up with some bizarre concoction of soft drinks and give it a random name which is only known to you. When you receive a blank stare of confusion from your server, become agitated by their stupidity at not knowing what you are talking about and proceed to explain said drink as slowly and clearly as possible. Visualize explaining the ingredients to the love child of Corky from Life Goes On and Helen Keller. For example: “*sigh* A. Tom. Arnold. Is. One. Third. Coke. One. Third. Lemonade. And. One. Third. Coffee. Creamer. With. Exactly. 7. Ice. Cubes." When the server delivers it, utilize the skills in step 6 to repeatedly send them back and forth from the kitchen.


8.Always treat the staff as though they are nothing but sex objects. It doesn't matter if you're dining at The Four Seasons, Hooters, or IHOP. They are all there for you to flirt with, hit on and fondle. Cute waitress? No problem. Touch her every time she comes to the table, becoming more aggressive each time. Pepper your comments about the food with comments about how much more delicious she would be. Never give this up. If she stops coming to the table and, instead, sends a male coworker, start hitting on him. See a cook you like? Go on and on to your server about how hot he is. Use archaic expressions like “I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.” Repeatedly try to get your server to get his number for you. Alternately, hit on your server by showing off how much more wealthy and educated you are. Do this by telling her at every possible moment that she would never have to wait another table again if you could have her. This last one works best if you are wearing a dirty wife beater and have not showered for a month.

9.Tipping is for fools and you know it, but you're going to hold the tip over your server's head for the entire time you are dining. When he greats you, tell him you want a perfect experience but not to worry, you will “take care of him”. If your server forgets something or your food comes out wrong, loudly proclaim “there goes your tip, sweetheart.”. Reference the tip at every single possible moment. Then, when the bill comes, leave nothing. Best. Practical. Joke. Ever.

10. Finally, now that you have made your night out a thrill for all involved, it's time to go home. You're probably pretty full, drunk and worn out by now, but don't forget the final step. Retain your receipt. Why? Because most mid level restaurants have websites where, with a tiny bit of effort, you can send comments to the owner/corporate office and receive free stuff in return. Simply type in the listed URL, log in and begin collecting free food. This is more effective if you have nothing at all positive to say, so simply pretend that your steak took too long, the food was awful, your drink was wrong and the server was cold and you'll be dining on easy street for a very long time to come. Bonus points if you can actually get someone fired or demoted in the process.

-Shannon (Who Changes Her Name To HeyYouGirl Every Time She Goes To Work)

Coming Now: How Not To Be A Dick, Or Some Unsolicited Advice On Etiquette

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about etiquette and how it can be a helpful guideline in navigating awkward or uncomfortable situations, as well as a source of confusion and amusement, depending upon the source of advice. I have been toying with the idea of starting an etiquette column in the blog for a while now as I seem to be encountering more and more serious breaches of etiquette in my daily life as a student, waitress and human being. Obviously, as you are reading this, you can figure out that I have decided to go ahead and do it. However, I want to point out that I am not going to be discussing which fork to use or how to properly unfold a napkin. Although I can tell you those things, and will if people want me to, I don't feel as though they are the most important elements of etiquette and feel very strongly that an unnecessary focus on them takes the focus away from the truly important central idea behind etiquette. Basically, etiquette is all about kindness and furthering a sense of people respecting others as human beings. In other words it can be a helpful way to know how not to be a dick, which, as anyone who has ever been in public knows, can be a very tricky thing. On that note, I will be taking a few posts each month and focusing on a specific instance or set of instances where it seems as though many people struggle to understand how they should conduct themselves. If there are specific things which you want to know about, simply comment on a post and I will do my best to answer. I am a bit of a nut for these things and have collected a great many antique and modern books on the subject as well as having a great deal of experience working with the general public and observing behaviors. I am not an expert by any stretch, but my interest in the topic is one that makes it fun to research and gain understanding. So there you have it. Without further ado, the first addition will be posted above.