1. Getting There: Your college has undoubtedly bowed to the politically correct police and provided several close parking spots for the “differently abled”. Don’t let those lousy cripples get the prime spots. It’s not your fault they got old or infirm. Proudly pull into one of those “handicapped spots.” and saunter to the elevator from there. Your hangover surely must entitle you to special treatment.
2. In the Common Areas: If you’re a smoker, there is prime opportunity for douchiness here! Simply stand directly in front of the door, beneath the sign that requests that you move 20 feet away before lighting up and puff away. Blow your smoke into the building, if possible, or simply blow it in the faces of those walking by. Ignore that handy “smokers outpost” in favor of the ground. Bonus points if you do this when the elderly custodian is in the process of sweeping, or if you manage to harass members of the opposite sex in the process.
3. In Class: Arrive 15 minutes late, slam the door and scrape your seat loudly across the linoleum. Once seated, make a big show of removing your jacket, sweater or coat, but DO NOT remove your sunglasses. Once fully settled, begin asking the professor what you missed, after all, you are paying for this class and deserve to be caught up properly. It’s not your fault that class begins too early for you! Demand your money’s worth. You are entitled to it. After you’re finished with getting started, it’s time for the real fun to begin. Be sure to attempt to derail any lecture by arguing with your professor over that fact you just know is right because the internet told you so. Obviously, your mastery of point and click navigating while hitting a bong is a much clearer qualification than, say, 10 years of schooling in one specific topic.
4. Discussion Time: Whenever there is a class discussion, don’t even bother reading the assigned text, it’s boring and anyway, you can ask the smart girl next to you what it was about at a later time. Instead, rant aimlessly about something which may possibly be tangentially related to the course. For example: If your class is discussing psychology, you can dismiss the professor’s serious inquiry into the differences between men and women by exclaiming loudly “I know what to do about that! Punch the bitch in the face!”* Alternately, you can wait with baited breath for the professor to utter any word regarding the U.S. Government and then use that to launch into a tirade on how 9/11 was an inside job. You’ll waste precious class time, and manage to entertain yourself in the process.
5. Cell Phone Fun: Every syllabus has a requisite warning about cell phones in the class room. Ignore it. If you get bored, you can use your phone to text, make calls, play games and even play ringtone DJ. If your phone rings while the class is having a lecture, answer it by repeatedly yelling “HELLO”. Once you’ve established that there is indeed another person on the other end, as opposed to, say, a phantom, loudly and repeatedly yell to them that you are in class. Keep this going for as long as possible. Should anyone dare to give you a dirty look, defensively proclaim that you are important and need to take all of your calls.
6. Fun With English: When assigned an essay, it’s best if you remember that our new internet rebus language has eliminated the need to actually spell any word all the way out. Save valuable drinking time by not bothering to ever type out the word “you” when you can use “u” instead. If you can’t remember the common abbreviation for a work, simply make up yur on!** Those Tchers R 2 stoopid if dey dont get wat u r pitin dwn.*** Additionally, grammar is for jerks and old ladies. No need for commas or periods in your papers the brilliance of your observations should be what is important anyway especially since you know all about how our government is cheating us and hiding aliens and you should be able to enlighten the professor at your leisure. Bonus points if you make up your own words or hand in all of your assignments in handwriting. Bonus points if you argue over your grade by telling your professor that they need to be more aware of what’s going on with the English language.
7. More Technological Fun: If your professor allows you to use a laptop in class, you’re in real luck. First, the simple act of dramatically placing your laptop on the desk and opening it is enough to help you win the dickhead award. However, since we’re way into overachieving here in college, lets up the ante and play World Of Warcraft during class. This will give you credibility when you are completing step 4. After all, nothing says “I know conspiracy theory” like displaying your tendency toward gaming.
8. Dress Code: If you are female, or wish to be seen as female, you should not waste time actually putting real clothes on for class. Instead, you should wear your shortest PJ shorts (preferably with some salacious word stretched across your ass) and your skimpiest tank top. You’ll need the extra time to add pounds of makeup, an entire bottle of perfume and your most expensive jewelry. Just add UGGS and you’re ready to go. If you’re male, you’ll want to have a variety of button down shirts with popable collars. Always pop your collar. Additionally, make sure you bathe in cologne before coming to class. This way, no one will be able smell last night’s Jager shots as the seep out of your pores.
9. After Class: Whew. That was tiring! Begin loudly packing your things about 15 minutes before class ends. Once that is completed, do not actually leave the classroom. Instead, stand in the doorway for ten minutes yelling to your buddy about how hot that chick you banged last night was, or theorize eloquently over whether or not the professor is a “cock smoker”. People will try to get past you at this point, but stand strong! You are, again, entitled to be there!
10. Cafeteria Time: Since all that hard work undoubtedly made you hungry, why not stop by the cafeteria to grab a quick bite between classes. Once there, be sure to look at the selection of food as slowly as possible. Exclaim that it all looks “fucking disgusting” within earshot of the people who made it. Select something anyway. Eat a small portion of it while drowning it in condiments and continue complaining about it. Once done, leave your trash on the table. In this economy, that lowlife who cleans up after you is lucky to have a job! If you must dispose of something yourself, place it in the absolutely wrong bin. Recyclable item? Straight into the garbage! Greasy food waste? Right in the recycling bin!
-Shannon (Who Don’t Need No Education)
*Yes, this actually really happened in a real class and no, the professor did not remove the student. Especially delightful given that it was in the context of a discussion about abusive relationships and why women stay in them.
**Yes, this also actually has happened. The student failed out.
***Actual English Translation: Those teachers are too stupid if they don’t get what you’re putting down.